[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
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[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
gentlemen, hear me out
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
dads on road-trips be like