Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u