Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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Hank is one in a melon.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to