Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
two people or more is called a problem
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
What a chick magnet..
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.