Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
You Might Also Like
A short story of betrayal:
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
*watches the world burn*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.