Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
all that yoga finally paid off
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”