*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates