Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live