Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
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John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?