Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
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My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar