My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
💻🤡
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.