They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
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Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
it must be school picture day
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like