every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub