Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder