@justinmatic5000

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

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@Gorrdano

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

@MomOnFire

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

@JohnLyonTweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

@TheLemon_

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber