The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

You Might Also Like


Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.


I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge


I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..


DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo


Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.


In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.


INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?


Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.


2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say