The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Lmaoo 😂
When you’re here for the treats.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
this FaceApp is creepy af
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.