@justinmatic5000

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

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@UncleDuke1969

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

@kryzazzy

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

@maughammom

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

@notwillystroker

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@JermHimselfish

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

@UncleDuke1969

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

@interwebmemes

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say