sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL