Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.