i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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