i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
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me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️