I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
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I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth