Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy