Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
can’t catch a break
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
The asteroid..
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.