Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
A short story of betrayal:
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I am crying
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.