I am crying
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Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
no
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE