I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
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GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
-Octopus preparing for a fight
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”
Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.