I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.