I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
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Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails