Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I love art.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.