Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
is this how new cars are made??
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I mean…but I did
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”