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Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Kids: Stay in school.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.