Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
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If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Tony Hawk, age 6
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.