so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
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Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.