In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!