Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
i- i did not expect this
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said