Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
#DesignFail
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time