Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Challenge accepted.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary