I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Saint West, the patron of selfies
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.