[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.


When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.


Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.


I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.


You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.



Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!


If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.


What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.