@dafloydsta

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

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@HousewifeOfHell

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

@TheNardvark

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

@Stellacopter

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

@gogs_shush

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

@3sunzzz

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@Jarhead44

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

@TravLeBlanc

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.