sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Just me?