If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”