If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
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This may be my favorite dog video ever.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
*limbos away from your hug*
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again