my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉