Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child