Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter![]()
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
LOL
![]()
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely