Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.