DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Had a spot of bother earlier.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Oh, I bet you would be
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.