Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
is this how new cars are made??
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.