godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
This is a whole mood;
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
i made a craigslist ad !
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.