Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow