Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
This classic never gets old . . .
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill