Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.