@jordan_stratton

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

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@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

@craigrachel

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

@cuntifer

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

@Smug_Lemur

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

@WalkingAnxiety

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

@YoungNobler

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

@nnnatchos

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
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