When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
You Might Also Like
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever