Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
You Might Also Like
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
God, I love Scotland
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
me hooking up with my ex
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny