Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere![]()
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.