Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.