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Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
True
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
How software testing works
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS