Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.