Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Why is everyone getting married at me
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.